Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
