Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
