Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
