if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
