Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
