Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
