Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
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So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
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I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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