I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
