he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
