You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
