Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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