You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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