Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
