So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
