goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
