I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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