Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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