I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
