ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
