Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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