just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
why do cheetos always look like penises
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My bed smells like the plague
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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