My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
