Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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