Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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