Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
