I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
