Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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