you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
