I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
