Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
