she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
