i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
