I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
