The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
