all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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