why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
