I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You are the jesus of drinking
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
