Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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