everyone is single if you try hard enough
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
