Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
