I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
