i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
