quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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