Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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