I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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