I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
