I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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