Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
