I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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