I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
