Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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