you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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