Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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